The Recipe For Sleep

The recipe for sleep shouldn’t be this complicated. I know the ingredients. First a huge bowl of don’ts. Don’t watch or read or listen to anything too exciting; nothing that has “just one more episode”, “one more season” or a mystery that must be solved. Don’t talk about the dark past (you know the stuff I mean) after 8 pm. Don’t shop after midnight. Don’t read or write that brilliant shut-up or put-down on twitter or Facebook. Don’t play games online with friends overseas who are waking up just as you should be sleeping. (Do relax. Just fucking relax. RELAX, I said.) Can’t relax. Distract. Add calm and repetition. Mix in rain -youtube videos, soundcloud, audible recordings. Thunder to taste. Sprinkle with ASMR rabbits or smug sleepy affirmations.

It’s five am and every attempt is scorched or half-baked. You too are half-baked. Is that why you can’t sleep? Too much or too little THC? Dopamine? Stimulus? Turn off everything and lay in the dark. Force sleep to come to you. Bore yourself to sleep. Thoughts racing? Recite the alphabet backward. Count. Nothing. Count nothingness. After an hour give up trying to do and think and count nothing. Read articles about insomnia on the internet. Write one.

Put together:

  • a bowl of don’ts
  • a cup of relax
  • a gallon of rain
  • pinch of thunder

Mix with equal parts of frustration and garnish with hypno-trend of your choice. Shake and serve cold. Ask yourself what you are doing with your life and why this is still a thing. Notice your sleep batter has curdled. Throw it out and start over.

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